Hi, I'm an American

I just wanted to take some time to get a few things off of my chest.

America is a television culture. It is full of people whose only goal is to think up something interesting enough to say, so that other people, who aren't on television but wish they were, will watch them. Lately, this has gotten harder. The result is that the people whose job it is to think up interesting things have been saying things that are more crazy than interesting. We believe them of course, because it is what we do. Nothing is too far fetched that someone, somewhere, won't hear it and say, "Damn, I was thinking that this morning!"  Balloon Boy? 12 people thought of putting their kid in a balloon before lunch that day. New World Order? half the voting populace daydreams about it on a regular basis. Rectal polyps? Don't ask. If these common folk could learn to scream, not just louder, but at the right people, they too could be on tv.

America is also a culture of egos. We are right. Even when we are wrong we are right. Apologies are for Europeans, not us. Think we may be wrong about something? Wrong! Have we changed our minds about something? We always thought like that. You must have misunderstood. We like to throw our weight around, and so far, the world has let us. Hell, we know they secretly love us telling them what to do. We told them they did.

We are smart. Super, scary smart. Basically, we are all a nation of geniuses. Any one of us is more than qualified to handle any problem, to figure out any dilemma. We're so smart, we thought up Intelligent Design, and now we want to spread it. Once its in all our class rooms, we'll export it, don't worry. We're so smart, we don't even need to emphasize education anymore. We have such a huge storehouse of brains, that we can coast on what our predecessors stored away. We're so smart, we discovered how to look into alternate dimensions. I know OUR Iraq didn't have WMD's, but the one in the 12th dimension did. We just took care  of it in ours. I guess we're not just the world's police force anymore. We're also the multiverse's.

So that's it. I'm an American. I am the bull in the world's china shop. I am right no matter what you say. I have God, and I have guns, and what should scare you right now is that some Americans will get hard reading this sentence. They're my neighbors, and we try not to make eye contact.  Anyway, for all the accomplishments, all the wars, all the interventions, I just want to say to the world, you're welcome! No, you don't have to thank us. We know how much we are appreciated by everyone. The TV tells us so.